Small Talk

Our twin boys compete with each other.

Not just in the typical sense of sports or board games or academics… which they certainly do. But they also compete for - to borrow an economic phrase - “resources.” This competition for resources can take many forms and probably will sound familiar to most parents. If there are six Thin Mints left, they need to split them three and three. The milk glasses need to be filled up to the same height. If one of them gets a remote control car for his birthday, the other one wants one, too. This, of course, is not just about resources, but is also part of their youthful exploration of concepts like “fairness.”

But there is also competition for the “big” resource: Mom’s and/or Dad’s attention. Again, something to which I’m sure many parents can relate.

Don’t get me wrong, there is something marvelous about this. Our kids are young enough that our attention is still somehow a reward to them. I know the days are fast approaching when time with Mom and Dad will be a drag. So, on one hand, I cherish it.

But it is also really hard to deal with the boys competing for attention in certain circumstances, and that has been exacerbated by two realities: we are in COVID times, and the boys are identical twins.

COVID impacts this dynamic because Mom and Dad both have full time jobs and are now working from home. We try to balance the time spent in front of our work computers with taking breaks and having quality time with the kids. For instance, I enjoy making their lunch every day. But there is also a lot of pressure to get those things to fit within a work schedule that seems to always have the next deliverable due or meeting to attend.

And, we are also helping our kids through online schooling during the pandemic. That’s another component of the day that is a bit more scheduled. And since we can’t work and help them through school at the exact same time, that gets additive in terms of the time that - yes, we get to spend with them - but it’s not on their terms.

So, they want time with us that is unstructured and unplanned, but there is less of it to go around.

Now, add in the “being twins” factor.

First, they are in the same online classes. So, that’s a lot of time sitting next to each other working on school work. And, since they still need support for the work at this young age, they now have a bit of competition for getting our attention when they have school-related questions or are unsure of themselves.

And being identical twins, they wear the same clothes sizes and shoe sizes, and what not. So, if one of the kids loses a shoe (which seems to be a daily occurrence in your house), why bother looking for it when you can just steel your brother’s shoe? (Another resource.)

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of upsides. They have a built-in playmate in this time of social distancing. They are each other’s best friends, which is really cool to see. We get to spend so much more time with them, even if it is a bit too structured. So, yeah, lots of good things.

But there is also this strong need to get some of that attention “resource” form Mom and Dad without having to beat your brother to it. That’s where our specific one-on-one times with them come into play. These are times they get to be individuals, fully free and independent from their brother.

We find that when we do these one-on-one days (our kids call them “dates”), they each come back much more relaxed and at ease with themselves. And we - the parents - find it really nice to break free from the constant concerns about how the other kid will react if we get the one we are with a treat or a snuggle or a dedicated lesson on tying into their climbing harness.

So, these really end up being mental health days for everyone involved. We get to slow down, be less structured in our day, and - all of a sudden - that scarce resource of attention is now plentiful.